Gossip is fundamentally human - we all do it sometimes. Sharing social knowledge and hearsay is one of the most effective survival mechanisms of humankind, and ostracization is the biological weapon which society wields against social misconduct. We are hardwired to experience severe distress when faced with it. In direct terms, the caveman who eats all the food (commits a taboo) is ostracized by the tribe because he is a threat to the tribe's survival. Without this weapon, the tribe would perish. We must wield this tool with great care, it is our responsibility as humans.

"I feel like we want to judge others to feel better about ourselves and thats why we gossip or take part in gossip"

Something I've spent a lot of time thinking about over several years is when is it ok to gossip? I've shared these thoughts with a number of friends, and I've long thought of publishing it formally on my blog. Note that this is written from the perspective of believing most gossip is unjustified and unnecessary, but excused because the people gossiping often have an under-developed moral conscience.

• Would the person it's about care? (alt: Is it kind?)

  Is what I'm saying behind their back going to make them look better or worse? If it's positive by all means do share! (Unless asked not to of course!). Simple enough.

• Does the person I'm telling care?

  If it doesn't concern them, then there's a good chance the information is gossip for the sake of gossip. Often times we find this in the form of gossiping about coworkers or friends to others who have no stake in the situation. Sometimes we think gossiping to a 'neutral 3rd party' automatically makes it ok. I find this is often an excuse to gossip without purpose. It's about finding gossip entertaining, when in reality these forms of purposeless gossip mostly serve as mental junk food for a dull and vapid life.

• Am I personally benefiting from this? (Tricky one!)

  If you are, counter-intuitively that's a GOOD sign actually! Like if you're venting about an ex who cheated on you and that's helping you move on from the trauma then that can be reasonable, you may actually need that. Or you're sharing about work trouble to a friend, because you need input on how to handle the situation. The point is you're not gossiping for the sake of gossiping, instead it's with genuine purpose.

• Most Importantly: Would I say it to their face?

  This is perhaps the easiest quickest litmus test to "is what I'm doing wrong?". I'm a firm believer that you should only say behind someone's back would you would say to their face. To be extra clear: would you say it to them in the same way? Or would you be afraid if they heard it that way face-to-face? If you won't stand behind the words you said about someone in private, you are two-faced.

This list effectively asks the bare minimum of moral conscience: to simply have basic empathetic consideration of all parties. These are (at minimum) 3 people: the subject, the receiver, and the gossiper. If you find yourself realizing, "well I don't care if X cares", you must too realize: it is your own decency you poison.

I have consistently found that people who gossip the least have the most ambition, hobbies, and genuinely interesting lives. And the callousness to wield it casually, especially against those who trust them, often comes from people with small lives.

The man who lives talks of his life. The man who watches men live, talks of the lives of others.