Today I turned 27. And still every new birthday hits me with surprise that I'm still here. "This wasn't supposed to happen. How did I get this far?" I often feel my life is on autopilot. I told myself "One day at a time" so many times that I forgot how to look ahead.

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."

It's been 6 years since I attempted. Where do I see myself in another 6? Abroad? BayArea? LA? Same career? Grad school? House? Family? I don't know. "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it" I tell myself, running away to avoid answering. A few years ago a friend said "I don't see you ever settling down" and it eats at me. I don't know how.

I struggle to visualize my life long term. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself so I don't have to. "I'm moving back to the bay soon" and "I'll only be in the bay a few years". When my life starts to feel cozy, comfortable, familiar & like a home... I inexplicably move to scramble it around. Why am I afraid of stability? I think it feels like I lose my autonomy. Like letting go of control to trust my environment. But I struggle to trust the life I've built is safe. Growing up taught me avoidance is safer, stability is fragile.

I feel afraid to commit to my life. So everything turns into "someday". I remind myself often that I've made huge progress. But towards what? There is no plan. "What the fuck am I doing? Why can't I stay put and build the life I want?" The fact that I don't have the answers yet confuses and scares me. When am I supposed to? Is it too late?

For months I've been struggling with these questions. Maybe I'm homesick. Traveling abroad was a good distraction to avoid taking my future seriously. "I want this" I thought, aiming still farther away.

I think the existential peace I felt in ~2018 when nothing mattered anymore was too intoxicating. It broke my ability to look forward, and I've been stuck that way since. I'm worried my life is passing me by as I waste time paralyzed by inaction. I need to learn how to be comfortable planting roots, not afraid of them - the grass will be greener only where I water it. I want my future to start meaning longer than just 'tomorrow'. Because 28 feels like another lifetime just one day away.